They came from childhood. Issues that left me feeling worthless. I tried not to say too much in case others wouldn’t like me, or more likely, they really didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I was even told that I was as a jinx; and would bring bad luck to anyone who helped me. So, I used to pray for the protection of anyone who did something nice for me.
These struggles with a poor self-worth were bad enough. But then MS slammed me with more issues. A big one was financial problems. Especially because, for three-plus years I was not able to work full-time, and barely part-time, and was silly enough to buy a car.
I was a new Registered Nurse. All my classmates and co-workers had cars. I used to ask to borrow their cars to go places. I should have had my own car. Right? So, I bought one. But, during those early years, having MS did not allow me to work enough to make regular payments. Can you tell where this story is going? I’ve never shared this with my family, so dear ones, don’t be too shocked by this news.
Things got so bad that the bank repossessed my car, and it was hard to keep up with my other bills. I had to file bankruptcy. Everyone asked “What happened to your car?” I sort of lied and said, “Someone took over the payments.” Yes, the bank did. On top of already feeling worthless, this was a crushing blow. Now I was a legally registered failure.
MS also changed the way I walked. I looked disabled. Also, many people shied away from me as though MS was contagious.
As I struggled with these, and other issues, and made some very bad decisions, the emotional weight became unbearable. Last week I shared with you that dealing with the losses MS brings, could possibly require professional help. Over the years I did seek out help. But the counselors were not right matches for me, and I couldn’t afford regular sessions. So the pain continued – until one evening in 1998.
Enough was enough. I had reached a breaking point, and saw no way out of always feeling bad about myself. Some say drastic times require drastic measures. Actually, they require drastic prayers, but I couldn’t see that during that time. I cut God out of the picture, but He didn’t cut me loose. I’m so grateful for that!!! I’d wanted to end my life, and knew I would if I didn’t get help. But God’s finger prints are all over what happened next.
One evening I called the ER at the local hospital and shared my need. They immediately put me through to an Intake Counselor on the Psychiatric Unit. Blessing!!! He asked many soul-baring questions, but I was beyond being embarrassed. I was in deep crisis mode. Then he told me to call the local health center, in the morning, for an appointment. I figured oh no – a delay. But when I called and spoke with another Intake person [more soul-baring questions], my appointment was for the coming Friday at 11am. Blessing.
That’s all for now. See you in part 2
Copy Right © 2013 Regina Spence
Continues in Part 2 …